God in 2008


As part of our continuing coverage of God’s bid for president, God in 2008, we bring you the following: In a bold policy speech, God scoffed at McCain surrogate Senator Isakson of Georgia who, in a call for offshore drilling, claimed that America’s like a “starving man sitting on a ham sandwich.” God proclaimed, “America’s more like a morbidly obese diabetic competitive eater who’s certain there’s a Twinkie buried somewhere in the cushions of his over-stuffed couch along with his missing remote controls. Who’s starving when they consume 25% of the world’s oil? Drilling offshore is like running down to the 7-11 to buy a carton of Marlboros when you’ve resolved to quit smoking. But who am I to deny my beloved creatures, made in my image?”

God proposed to do what no other human candidate can do: Not drill for oil but create it! “If oil’s what you want, if elected I’ll make so much oil, you can have a third tap in your house—hot water, cold water, and gasoline. Burn it all! Burn some more! Forget solar! Forget wind! Never give conservation a thought! (Not that you do anyway).”

There was only one provision of his plan that met with a chilly reception: “But don’t come asking me for more atmosphere, oceans, forests. Don’t ask me to bring back the extinct species or melted glaciers. Who needs them, right? You got places to go, things to do! Just remember: It’s the Pottery Barn planet—you break it; you own it. So fire up those leaf blowers while there are still trees! Get an RV and tow an SUV and a couple of ATV’s and Jet Ski behind it! Enjoy life while it lasts! Real hope for your future, not for some whiny brats who aren’t even born yet!”

After a long silence, awaiting the conclusion of the Democratic primary process, God finally returned to the presidential campaign trail today. “I’m eternal,” he said of the Democrats, “but I can’t wait forever!” Anticipating the same problems that have plagued the other candidates, God boldly renounced all preachers regardless of their beliefs. “Face it,” he said, “They all claim to be speaking my words. I don’t know these people. They could say anything—dig up some off-the-cuff remark from a couple thousand years ago and make a big damn deal of it. No. The problems of the country are too important for me to waste my time being held accountable for anyone who claims to know me and speak for me. If those guys want to claim to know fairies, pookahs, and Betty Crocker, they can knock themselves out, but they can leave me out of it.”

Here, God renounces Rev. Adam, the leader of a radical long-haired nudist cult who claims God performed a highly controversial ribcage operation on him at an undisclosed location in the Middle East. Adam was “saddened.” The rib was unavailable for comment.

Today is the Virginia primary, and I hope y’all are voting out there. We might actually matter this time around. There’s someone for everybody, seems to me. I’ve gone back and forth, but I’ll likely vote for Barack. I like Mike for his entertainment value, so I hope all you Republicans vote to keep him in the race. Otherwise it’s nothing but grim patriotism until November.

As regular readers know, we’ve been supportive of God’s campaign in 2008, but God doesn’t need to mess with any stinkin’ primaries. When he declares something, that’s pretty much it. This gives him a decided advantage come election time too. He hasn’t wanted to steal the other candidates’ thunder during primary season, though he would remind them he’s the only one who actually has thunder and knows how to use it, as Lucifer in Paradise Lost can attest. “This doesn’t mean I’m a sure thing,” God has pointed out. “I still haven’t figured out how this electoral college thing works, and then there’s always the Supreme Court to worry about. That Scalia, especially, is one scary dude.”

The flagging God campaign suffered disastrous numbers in the last round of polling. As one pollster put it, “Basically, no one wants God for President.” Theories abound as to why, despite his overwhelming name recognition and unrivaled influence, that this would be true. Some are made uncomfortable with his historically patriarchal, anti-democratic views, while others are worried he’ll be so busy watching out for the fall of every little sparrow that he won’t keep his eye on the stock market. But issues aside, God’s biggest problem, all agreed, was that nobody can identify with him, feel like he’s one of them—except for a few delusional paranoids in high-security mental institutions. He brings no built in constituency. Women married to faithless men can identify with Hillary, people who always have to spell their names like Barak Obama, and hispanic guys with anglo names can feel a particular bond with Bill Richardson. But who can identify with God? He’s it. The only one. How many people, at the end of the day, can honestly say they feel Almighty? “Monotheism might be good theology,” one campaign worker who asked to remain anonymous complained, “but it gives you basically nothing toward building a constituency. Combine that with no party affiliation and downright hostility to raising money, and we’re basically screwed.” As if matters weren’t bad enough for the God Campaign, God’s running mate, Santa Claus, is under investigation for possible lead paint use at his secret North Pole workshops. The elves, thought to be a sure endorsement for the God/Santa ticket, recently endorsed John Edwards instead, citing his stand on labor issues.

God, with his usual off-the-cuff style, brushed off any concerns about his poor showing in the polls. “What do you mean there’s no one like me? What about David Petraeus? From everything I hear, he seems like my kind of guy. Smart as the dickens.”

While touring a local hospital (picture below) God declared the American health care system a failure. “For those of you who missed it,” he said, “the answer to ‘Am I my brother’s keeper?’ is yes, and I don’t recall the slightest suggestion that insurance companies should be reaping huge profits in the process.”

A spokesman for HMOs (seen below administering to a patient) said the Supreme Deity’s remarks were totally out of line. “Unless he wants the HORRORS of SOCIALIZED MEDICINE! People want to choose their own physicians, not go through pointless delays in receiving treatment, filling out endless forms, only to be denied life-saving procedures in the end.”

When asked about these very complaints being leveled at HMOs, he replied, “Yes, but the difference is we’re sound economics. We’re good for America because we make a lot of money!”

God’s bid for the U.S. presidency seems to be headed for serious trouble. While his rivals are raising millions of dollars, God has raised exactly $0. God shrugged off concerns that this would doom his campaign, pointing out that “the love of money is the root of all evil.” An unnamed source from the Clinton campaign pointed out, however, “That doesn’t mean you can’t like it a whole, whole lot, right?” God, always a political maverick, has even refused federal matching funds. “I’m omnipresent. What do I need with TV ads? All the other candidates are talking about nothing but me, me, me. It’s like free advertising. When it’s voting time, people will know what to do.”

Hearing that thousands of embryonic stem cells languishing at fertility clinics have been spared the horrible fate of being used in research to cure Alzheimer’s and other pesky diseases by the veto of the Ethicist-in-Chief George W. Bush, God made an unscheduled campaign stop at one such facility today and delivered his usual stump speech in hopes of winning the votes of these wombless citizens.

“Frankly,” the deity said, “I found them completely unresponsive, scarcely alive. Of course, they were frozen.” Perhaps their lack of enthusiasm was due to their being destroyed shortly after God delivered his half-hour address. The director of the facility apologized there wasn’t time to thaw them out before God’s visit but opined it wouldn’t have made much difference. “They’re not really very political,” he said.

Santa Claus! “While there were many strong contenders,” God said at an announcement ceremony at the North Pole, “Santa and I see eye to eye on so many issues, he seemed to be a natural.” While the Lord giveth and taketh away, Santa is primarily known as a giver, though, like God, he has been known to withhold gifts from those who don’t believe in him. They both have been purported to keep lists of those who are naughty and nice, and both are uncannily aware of the most intimate details of each and every person’s life—even when they’ve been sleeping and when they’ve been awake. “The young people take to him, especially,” God pointed out, a weakness in God’s demographic in recent years when the young have often been described as godless.

The nomination was not without controversy. The Tooth Fairy, thought to be a strong contender, was openly critical in her comments to the press. “God had the opportunity to add a woman to the ticket, someone with a serious background in basic economics. Instead we have a guy who laughs all the time and has no concept of getting a fair return from those he’s supposedly ‘helping.’ How will people ever learn self-respect and good dental hygiene and the importance of suffering?”

Santa has not been without controversy in recent years, with charges of his exploitation of elf labor under harsh conditions and his cruelty to animals forcing a team of reindeer to fly around the world in a single night, but God brushed off such criticisms. “Look. The guy believes in being good for goodness’ sake. What could be wrong with that? I looked into his soul and liked what I saw.”

There were questions about what Santa was smoking in his pipe that made him so jolly and whether he set a good example for America’s youth, but God said whatever it was, he created it and it was 100% organic. “Not like that junk Joe Camel sells!”

As part of his bold bid for the U.S. Presidency, God made a surprise visit to the Creation Museum near Cincinnati. Even with the senior discount, he thought the admission price was a little steep for a religious institution, but added, “It was definitely worth it. I can’t remember the last time I had such a good laugh!”

He found the ark exhibit particularly entertaining. “Can you imagine living with all the bugs and snakes and spiders that have ever existed? Yuck!” Since drug-resistant TB has been much in the news lately, he wondered which of the eight people on board was harboring it, but nobody could tell him. “If there were only four women on the Ark, it must’ve been tough to get a date for quite a while afterwards without going out with your cousin,” God joked, but nobody laughed. “Even that terrible Costner movie Waterworld figured out the only dry land would be Everest. Ararat? Give me a break. The thing’s a molehill by comparison.”

At this point, God was asked to leave since his presence was disrupting the dissemination of the Truth. “Live and learn,” God told reporters out in the parking lot. “I thought with all these believers, I might get some support, but they’re just interested in their old time religion, I guess. But it’s like Rick Nelson said “You can’t please everyone, so you got to please yourself.”

Asked if he still planned to visit Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, God declined to comment other than to say it was under discussion with campaign media adviser Tinky Winky.

In a surprise move, God announced his candidacy for the U.S. Presidency today. “With several pundits proclaiming that the candidate who could talk about me the most would be the likely winner,” the well-known Lord God of the Universe declared, “I decided, who better than me?”

Known as a polarizing figure, God spoke to a select group with eyes to see and ears to hear at an undisclosed location. Reaction was mixed among the leading candidates, some cautiously pointing out that it hardly seemed fair that the omniscient and omnipotent leader would enter the race, to which God replied, “I don’t exactly have a reputation for fair. Remember the flood? Sodom and Gomorrah? Fair’s for wimps. But nobody can accuse me of faulty intelligence!”

Some pointed out that God wasn’t a U.S. citizen and therefore couldn’t run according to the Constitution, to which God replied by pulling a dollar bill out of his pocket—”Read it and weep,” he said, referring to “In God We Trust” printed on every one. “You guys put that ‘Under God’ line in the Pledge of Allegiance back in the fifties,” he said, “not me.”

Asked about the immigration debate, he shrugged. “What do I care about some ditch in North America? Mi casa, su casa is my position. If I wanted a wall there I would’ve built it myself.” God took equally controversial positions on gay marriage—”I did say ‘Love thy neighbor’ didn’t I?”—and the wars in Iraq and elsewhere—”What part of Peace on Earth don’t you guys understand?”

In perhaps his most shocking revelation, he distanced himself from the infallibility of the Bible. “It was true when I revealed it, but no end of editors and translators and scribes have made a real hash of it. Anybody who’s ever seen a film adaptation of a Philip K. Dick novel knows exactly what I’m talking about.”

Asked if he’d spoken with the current President about his entering the race, he replied, “You know, I’ve tried to talk to that chucklehead on several occasions, but he just doesn’t listen, and he makes no sense at all.”

Asked about possible running mates, he declined to be specific but hinted he might reach out to non-believers. “I like this Dawkins guy. He shows some real moxie. Anybody can believe in God,” he added, with a twinkle in his eye. “You can bet your sweet ass Lucifer believes in me!” He expressed hopes that the average citizen would get involved by praying for him. “I listen to each and every one. Very entertaining.”