God’s bid for the U.S. presidency seems to be headed for serious trouble. While his rivals are raising millions of dollars, God has raised exactly $0. God shrugged off concerns that this would doom his campaign, pointing out that “the love of money is the root of all evil.” An unnamed source from the Clinton campaign pointed out, however, “That doesn’t mean you can’t like it a whole, whole lot, right?” God, always a political maverick, has even refused federal matching funds. “I’m omnipresent. What do I need with TV ads? All the other candidates are talking about nothing but me, me, me. It’s like free advertising. When it’s voting time, people will know what to do.”