After a long silence, awaiting the conclusion of the Democratic primary process, God finally returned to the presidential campaign trail today. “I’m eternal,” he said of the Democrats, “but I can’t wait forever!” Anticipating the same problems that have plagued the other candidates, God boldly renounced all preachers regardless of their beliefs. “Face it,” he said, “They all claim to be speaking my words. I don’t know these people. They could say anything—dig up some off-the-cuff remark from a couple thousand years ago and make a big damn deal of it. No. The problems of the country are too important for me to waste my time being held accountable for anyone who claims to know me and speak for me. If those guys want to claim to know fairies, pookahs, and Betty Crocker, they can knock themselves out, but they can leave me out of it.”

Here, God renounces Rev. Adam, the leader of a radical long-haired nudist cult who claims God performed a highly controversial ribcage operation on him at an undisclosed location in the Middle East. Adam was “saddened.” The rib was unavailable for comment.