Santa Claus! “While there were many strong contenders,” God said at an announcement ceremony at the North Pole, “Santa and I see eye to eye on so many issues, he seemed to be a natural.” While the Lord giveth and taketh away, Santa is primarily known as a giver, though, like God, he has been known to withhold gifts from those who don’t believe in him. They both have been purported to keep lists of those who are naughty and nice, and both are uncannily aware of the most intimate details of each and every person’s life—even when they’ve been sleeping and when they’ve been awake. “The young people take to him, especially,” God pointed out, a weakness in God’s demographic in recent years when the young have often been described as godless.

The nomination was not without controversy. The Tooth Fairy, thought to be a strong contender, was openly critical in her comments to the press. “God had the opportunity to add a woman to the ticket, someone with a serious background in basic economics. Instead we have a guy who laughs all the time and has no concept of getting a fair return from those he’s supposedly ‘helping.’ How will people ever learn self-respect and good dental hygiene and the importance of suffering?”

Santa has not been without controversy in recent years, with charges of his exploitation of elf labor under harsh conditions and his cruelty to animals forcing a team of reindeer to fly around the world in a single night, but God brushed off such criticisms. “Look. The guy believes in being good for goodness’ sake. What could be wrong with that? I looked into his soul and liked what I saw.”

There were questions about what Santa was smoking in his pipe that made him so jolly and whether he set a good example for America’s youth, but God said whatever it was, he created it and it was 100% organic. “Not like that junk Joe Camel sells!”

As part of his bold bid for the U.S. Presidency, God made a surprise visit to the Creation Museum near Cincinnati. Even with the senior discount, he thought the admission price was a little steep for a religious institution, but added, “It was definitely worth it. I can’t remember the last time I had such a good laugh!”

He found the ark exhibit particularly entertaining. “Can you imagine living with all the bugs and snakes and spiders that have ever existed? Yuck!” Since drug-resistant TB has been much in the news lately, he wondered which of the eight people on board was harboring it, but nobody could tell him. “If there were only four women on the Ark, it must’ve been tough to get a date for quite a while afterwards without going out with your cousin,” God joked, but nobody laughed. “Even that terrible Costner movie Waterworld figured out the only dry land would be Everest. Ararat? Give me a break. The thing’s a molehill by comparison.”

At this point, God was asked to leave since his presence was disrupting the dissemination of the Truth. “Live and learn,” God told reporters out in the parking lot. “I thought with all these believers, I might get some support, but they’re just interested in their old time religion, I guess. But it’s like Rick Nelson said “You can’t please everyone, so you got to please yourself.”

Asked if he still planned to visit Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, God declined to comment other than to say it was under discussion with campaign media adviser Tinky Winky.

In a surprise move, God announced his candidacy for the U.S. Presidency today. “With several pundits proclaiming that the candidate who could talk about me the most would be the likely winner,” the well-known Lord God of the Universe declared, “I decided, who better than me?”

Known as a polarizing figure, God spoke to a select group with eyes to see and ears to hear at an undisclosed location. Reaction was mixed among the leading candidates, some cautiously pointing out that it hardly seemed fair that the omniscient and omnipotent leader would enter the race, to which God replied, “I don’t exactly have a reputation for fair. Remember the flood? Sodom and Gomorrah? Fair’s for wimps. But nobody can accuse me of faulty intelligence!”

Some pointed out that God wasn’t a U.S. citizen and therefore couldn’t run according to the Constitution, to which God replied by pulling a dollar bill out of his pocket—”Read it and weep,” he said, referring to “In God We Trust” printed on every one. “You guys put that ‘Under God’ line in the Pledge of Allegiance back in the fifties,” he said, “not me.”

Asked about the immigration debate, he shrugged. “What do I care about some ditch in North America? Mi casa, su casa is my position. If I wanted a wall there I would’ve built it myself.” God took equally controversial positions on gay marriage—”I did say ‘Love thy neighbor’ didn’t I?”—and the wars in Iraq and elsewhere—”What part of Peace on Earth don’t you guys understand?”

In perhaps his most shocking revelation, he distanced himself from the infallibility of the Bible. “It was true when I revealed it, but no end of editors and translators and scribes have made a real hash of it. Anybody who’s ever seen a film adaptation of a Philip K. Dick novel knows exactly what I’m talking about.”

Asked if he’d spoken with the current President about his entering the race, he replied, “You know, I’ve tried to talk to that chucklehead on several occasions, but he just doesn’t listen, and he makes no sense at all.”

Asked about possible running mates, he declined to be specific but hinted he might reach out to non-believers. “I like this Dawkins guy. He shows some real moxie. Anybody can believe in God,” he added, with a twinkle in his eye. “You can bet your sweet ass Lucifer believes in me!” He expressed hopes that the average citizen would get involved by praying for him. “I listen to each and every one. Very entertaining.”