One is the loneliest number

The flagging God campaign suffered disastrous numbers in the last round of polling. As one pollster put it, “Basically, no one wants God for President.” Theories abound as to why, despite his overwhelming name recognition and unrivaled influence, that this would be true. Some are made uncomfortable with his historically patriarchal, anti-democratic views, while others are worried he’ll be so busy watching out for the fall of every little sparrow that he won’t keep his eye on the stock market. But issues aside, God’s biggest problem, all agreed, was that nobody can identify with him, feel like he’s one of them—except for a few delusional paranoids in high-security mental institutions. He brings no built in constituency. Women married to faithless men can identify with Hillary, people who always have to spell their names like Barak Obama, and hispanic guys with anglo names can feel a particular bond with Bill Richardson. But who can identify with God? He’s it. The only one. How many people, at the end of the day, can honestly say they feel Almighty? “Monotheism might be good theology,” one campaign worker who asked to remain anonymous complained, “but it gives you basically nothing toward building a constituency. Combine that with no party affiliation and downright hostility to raising money, and we’re basically screwed.” As if matters weren’t bad enough for the God Campaign, God’s running mate, Santa Claus, is under investigation for possible lead paint use at his secret North Pole workshops. The elves, thought to be a sure endorsement for the God/Santa ticket, recently endorsed John Edwards instead, citing his stand on labor issues.

God, with his usual off-the-cuff style, brushed off any concerns about his poor showing in the polls. “What do you mean there’s no one like me? What about David Petraeus? From everything I hear, he seems like my kind of guy. Smart as the dickens.”

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