God announces bold new energy plan!

As part of our continuing coverage of God’s bid for president, God in 2008, we bring you the following: In a bold policy speech, God scoffed at McCain surrogate Senator Isakson of Georgia who, in a call for offshore drilling, claimed that America’s like a “starving man sitting on a ham sandwich.” God proclaimed, “America’s more like a morbidly obese diabetic competitive eater who’s certain there’s a Twinkie buried somewhere in the cushions of his over-stuffed couch along with his missing remote controls. Who’s starving when they consume 25% of the world’s oil? Drilling offshore is like running down to the 7-11 to buy a carton of Marlboros when you’ve resolved to quit smoking. But who am I to deny my beloved creatures, made in my image?”

God proposed to do what no other human candidate can do: Not drill for oil but create it! “If oil’s what you want, if elected I’ll make so much oil, you can have a third tap in your house—hot water, cold water, and gasoline. Burn it all! Burn some more! Forget solar! Forget wind! Never give conservation a thought! (Not that you do anyway).”

There was only one provision of his plan that met with a chilly reception: “But don’t come asking me for more atmosphere, oceans, forests. Don’t ask me to bring back the extinct species or melted glaciers. Who needs them, right? You got places to go, things to do! Just remember: It’s the Pottery Barn planet—you break it; you own it. So fire up those leaf blowers while there are still trees! Get an RV and tow an SUV and a couple of ATV’s and Jet Ski behind it! Enjoy life while it lasts! Real hope for your future, not for some whiny brats who aren’t even born yet!”

5 thoughts on “God announces bold new energy plan!

  1. This “”Drilling offshore is like running down to the 7-11 to buy a carton of Marlboros when you’ve resolved to quit smoking. But who am I to deny my beloved creatures, made in my image?â€�” is bloody brilliant and cracks me up to no end. 😉

    …only it’s so true too. *sigh*

    I’ve cut down on my emissions and I recycle as well, so I’m trying to do my part.

    It’s just a shame that most (or at the very least a whole lot) of America and, yes, the world at large too, isn’t. 🙁

  2. The world changes when it has to. I remain cautiously optimistic. If Americans drive less when the price goes up, then maybe we’re not totally insane after all. Even if we want to believe it’s all the work of speculator goblins, I don’t see Hummer sales rebounding. The embarrassment of a hazy Olympics might prompt the Chinese to get a little more serious about curtailing emissions—though we’re way worse than anyone else and need to show a little of that leadership we love to go on about. Sarah and I drive only occasionally, a ’96 Civic that gets better gas mileage than any non-hybrid currently on the market, and when it dies, we don’t plan to replace it with another car. The hardest for us to give up, travel addicts that we are, are those huge carbon footprint air trips to places like Rome. Maybe the zeppelin should make a comeback, especially since jet travel keeps spiraling deeper into a depth-of-hell experience. I’d take a little longer in transit not to have to limp into my chiropractor upon return.

  3. I remain in a perpetual state of “hoping for the better, but preparing for the worst.” Most Americans complain about gas prices, but wind up driving anyway, because they just HAVE to take that one “last” vacation before they stop.

    I think bringing the zeppelin back would be a grand idea! Scenic routes are fun and you stop and smell the air or something that. Human beings live way too fast lives if you ask me.

    But – what about having a wholly electric or battery-powered plane also? We wouldn’t have to use fossil fuels any longer. And we could get wherever we were going pretty quickly. And we’d probably lessen the possibility of catostrophic explosions too (what with the lack of flammable fuels being on-board). After all we already have electric & hybrid cars out there. So, what’s stopping us from upping the more postive and earth-friendly ante even more?

    I hear you about the post-flight chiropractic trips though. After just a trip to Nevada (about a 2-hour + 4-hour flight), I had to have a week of visits to the guy I go to. Seriously, evert airline in the world needs major comfort AND earth-friendly overhauls on the planes as they are. I would LOVE to help design and implement such a new look and feel. Alas, nowadays, you need to prove that it can work first, in a plan or model, BEFORE you even GET to that kind of “truly doing it” stage. *sigh*

  4. However we get around, the power source can’t continue to be fossil fuels. At present, even electric and battery powered devices are ultimately powered by some nasty coal burning plant located in the poorer regions of the country where the folks are “grateful” to have the jobs and the pollution, though air pollution eventually belongs to us all. It’s a hazardous day out today, better stay indoors and run the AC.

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